at what point, in the heat of an argument, does it become clear that the conversation has become completely unsustainable?  it's a pretty important moment.  but very fleeting.  it's kind of that part in the dispute where getting your point across convincingly is no longer as important as making the other person feel like shit.  or least shittier than you.  it's a little difficult to anticipate it, but once it's happened it's so obvious.  and since the universe loves me i've had consistent strokes of luck in being a participant in several of these quarrels over the past year.  several is way too many.  i don't feel that a person should have to endure things like that more than once or maybe twice every 5 years.  they are never easy.  and i'm so inept at handling drama.

like when i'm arguing with somebody, amidst the hostile exchange of accusations and harsh language and trying desperately to convince the other person that "no really, i'm right", there is always some part of me that secretly really really wants the other person to just die.  i know i'm not alone.  somehow, you reach a level of infuriation where the prospect of your opponent's instant death becomes a reasonable idea.  right?  i mean.  if they're not going to LISTEN to you they certainly don't deserve to live.

but alas, we kid!  obviously i'm not homicidal.  just know that if we ever get into a fight, i'm probably going to picture every gruesome detail of your slow and torturous destruction.  unless of course, you apologize for being wrong.  in which case i will take back what i said too.  or some of it at least.  maybe.

right.   the foliage is changing colors.  so the autumnal season is upon us.

why does it seem the years are moving at an ever quickening pace?   it used to be you could feel the breadth and expanse of each day.  every day had it's own feeling.  in that altogether discrete and unique way that makes a tuesday very much unlike any other day.  weeks used to churn ahead bit by bit.  you'd marvel at the culmination of another month.  another twelfth of the year completed.  you'd still pen the previous year in your planner weeks into january.  that's how slow time was.  slow enough to convince you that it hadn't elapsed at all.   even when you'd scratch out (or erase) that 0 and write a 1, you couldn't altogether accept that last digit as fact for another month or so.  time was almost tangible.  you could feel the minutes.

to be fair the days still have a feel to them.  but it's more general now.  the threshold isn't as accute.  there are weekdays.  the dull tedium.  the vapid, stale 3:00 pm feeling.  there are weekends.  sleep late.  drink that instant coffee. watch on-demand tv.  use your dsl / hi-speed modem.  faster downloads! always stay connected! (to whom?).  participate in your online communities.  run errands.  go out.  spend spend spend.  spend lots of money and in different ways.  keep up appearances.  swap stories.  seek validation.

everything has been glazed over.  the sort of way a smudge on the windshield or rain on your eyeglasses can smear it all together and muddle the colors.  a big slurry of cultural diatribe, information as entertainment, and carefully distilled human interest fluff.  things are not as distinct as before.  the focus is the same but the clarity is diminished.  hard edges have softened up and bright spots have diffused.  though, dark is still dark.  and the light is still pretty bright.  it's only a bit disorienting.  there are still enough cues to figure out the direction of the road.  it's just become harder to figure out where one is trying to go. 

so many distractions and so few moments to live them.